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Lucy Bellwood

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Delights

Consider the Eagle

A photo of a surprised looking baby eagle, beak open, pop-eyed, staring at the camera. Below the photo is a block of all-caps text taped to the frame that reads "i’m only telling you this once coz if you’re not interested i’ve got other options. i’m a baby eagle. yes, my hair’s all sticky-uppy & it looks like my face exploded, but check out the beak. that’s a beak, baby, razor-sharp hook for ripping & gouging during pirate attacks, very nasty, very effective. and those 2 little holes either side? “nostrils”, say you? “bollocks!” say i! fire comes blasting out of ‘em. turning everything in their path to ash. i know. i know — all traditional pirates have parrots, but parrots are overrated. let me tell you. what you need is an eagle, and i’m it. i can perch on your shoulder & caw better than any bloody parrot. although when i get older certain problems arise, like i weigh 40 pounds & have a wing-span of 22 feet, not easy on the shoulder. and if i let go my most powerful screech & i’m close to your ear, you’ll go deaf, and a deaf pirate’s no good to anybody. but i can catch fish. so think about it, and remember this: if we’re in a battle & i’m fully grown & you’re about to have your head chopped off by a cutlass. wielding loony, i just pick you up in my claws & fly you to safety. cool, huh? so call me. 646-2558, or if i’m out flying around on my new cell: 805 798 9065. take a tip from me: lose the bloody parrot!"

Unearthed this particularly fine birthday card (c. 2007) from my dad today.

April 1, 2021April 1, 2021Bellwood Ephemera, birthday, dad, eagles, parrots, pirates

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